I love you too...*fart*...

There are lots of firsts in recovery. The most commonly talked about firsts are the first sober relationship, first time having sober sex, first sober break up, and of course the first time you fart while sober in front of your also very sober boyfriend...it's really unfortunate about the sober part on this last one.

       Awkwaaaaard.

Lucky for me, I have gotten ALL of these out of the way. It's been a busy two years. Actually, a busy year because I did wait until I had a year of sobriety to date or have sex. Honestly, it was pretty easy to wait considering the previous four years were spent with absolutely zero sex drive. Opiates do that. And even when it DID happen (because girlfriend duties) I kinda just laid there until he rolled off of me. If I was lucky I could use Susan (that's my vibrator) to complete the objective before he fell asleep. Sometimes I raced to see if I could make it before he started snoring. Other times I got so frustrated I'd give up. FUCK YOU, SUSAN. But I digress... I got the sober sex out of the way right off the bat, like ripping off a super awkward and terrified band aid. He was a lovely young man, great enthusiasm and had quite a knack for the aerobics of intercourse. He reminded me that I really and truly enjoy it and to him I will always be grateful. There ain't no shame in my game, ladies and gents...

I waited even longer to jump into the Bermuda Triangle that is relationships. It happened by chance. I wasn't looking. A mutual friend made it happen. It was amazing. I fell in love... I was done... he was it. I was so shocked at this unfamiliar feeling that was suddenly twirling around my beaten up heart like smoke tendrils. Had I ever really loved anyone before him? No. Not like this. Keep in mind that I had come from almost 20 combined years of zero real, RAW emotion. I always kept food, drugs or drinks at the ready, padding my delicate psyche so as not to feel too much. I was hiding true feelings as my mother trained me to do in my very young development. So I fell for him, and I fell hard. I'm still on the ground in fact, trying to find my LifeAlert. He fell hard too and we both were taken by surprise. As life always happens on life's terms, I was getting a good beating by unavoidable obstacles early in the relationship. I went through some pretty rough things and fell into the deepest depression I had experienced since being in active addiction. That is another story for another day but suffice it to say that watching someone you love battle every day with an invisible mental illness (that cannot be fixed) is extremely tormenting. So, my wonderful and amazingly supportive boyfriend felt powerless. Eventually, my being in that downward spiral inevitably led to our break up. It was for the best. I was kidding myself thinking I was ready for a relationship of that emotional magnitude. I still have a LOT to work on.

Last but not least there is the first fart IN said relationship. I am not one of those girls that claims to never fart or poop. I do both, frequently. All you little brats need to cut the shit and quit saying you don't. You're giving us TRUTH TELLERS a bad rap. Now, this doesn't mean I walk around crop dusting my SO's all day. And I don't leave the bathroom stinking, either. I spray air freshener and wait it out for as long as it takes for the stench to dissipate, like any polite young lady would. I'd rather he think I drowned myself than see the disgusted look on his face as he tries frantically to fan the odor away from his burning nostrils.

My first "oops I stepped on a duck" moment with my ex happened during what should have been a really beautiful and meaningful moment. We were *clears throat* ya know, "doing it" when he looked at me intently and said, "I love you so much" to which I responded with immediate tears and an emphatic "I love you too"...

...and then I farted. 

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

Let's circle back and wrap it up, kiddos. Here are some pearls of wisdom from my personal experience of recovery firsts...

1. Sober sex is amazing and it is better than a drunk or high roll in the hay, ANY day.

2. Let it happen...love, sex, relationships AND farts. It's ALL good...and it's all growth.

LASTLY...

3. A broken heart, though incredibly painful, is worth it. Why? Because you get to find out just how deeply you can care for another person, someone that isn't yourself. You find out that you can reach emotional depths you never knew existed.

Go forth, friends...and fart freely.

❤coco