IT'S ME...COCO...

Hello, beautiful!

You've made it to my first blog, congratulations are in order! No, not for you, not because you clicked on a link and got here (but good job tho). High fives and ass slaps for me because the simple fact that you're reading this means I had to share the link in order for you to access it. You see, I've wanted to write about my experiences for a couple years now. As you can see, I haven't gotten very far. I can't tell you how many times I've written things and thought, "man, I wish my blog was already built so I could write something and share it with the world!". Coincidentally, it is exactly the same amount of times I decided it was too hard and subsequently ran into the eye of a Tornado named "Low Self Worth and Rejection Guaranteed".

So you're probably wondering why in God's name do I think my story is worth your time? Well...there's nothing TOO special about me. I'm just your basic, run of the mill, chick. I am also an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery. By run of the mill I mean that I am just like every last one of YOU. I am a person, like you. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend to many. I could be your daughter, your sister, your friend. I am all of you and all of you are me. I have a fire inside me that is hellbent on changing the societal stigma placed upon the population of alcoholics and drug addicts in this country and around the world. I am only one person, but hey, it could happen!

What it was like...

If you met me before November 24th, 2015, you probably wouldn't like me too much. I didn't like myself. I detested myself. I hated myself infinitely more than I could hate anyone else on this planet. I avoided my bathroom mirror every day, keeping my eyes lowered as I brushed my teeth or as I stepped out of the shower. If I was, in fact, taking a shower it meant I had enough pills from the night before to be well. But most days, I was in early stages of opiate withdrawal until I could find my magically delicious Lucky Charms. That was a full time job in itself. I wouldn't look at myself while putting my hair in a bun every day without brushing it. Brushing my hair was a special occasion and usually only happened once a month. Who needs brushes, when you have buns, am I right?

Back to the mirror...I didn't want to see the face of this monster who had inhabited my body and mind, that took control of my every thought and action. I didn't want to look into the eyes of that monster, because I would see a glimmer of who I used to be, and seeing the old me led me to hate the monster in the mirror even more.

I really wasn't always like that. Before pain medicine caught me in it's web, I was pretty okay, actually. I was "pretty okay" from around age 19 through 28. The world was my oyster. Checks out, right? Those are our glory days, man! That's when you're supposed to party, sow your wild oats, discover yourself on Vision Quests and Walkabouts and shit. Those are the years we believe we can take on the world. Things were...a little different for me.  Let me give you MY definition of "pretty okay". Vision quests = bar crawls and walkabouts = stumbling down Greek Row at UW, CWU, or WSU, whatever four year university I happened to be visiting that weekend. Of course the locations changed over the years and eventually I settled for a mediocre job, the first dude who told me he loved me and a bar stool reserved by my ass-print at the local dive bar. 

The 11 or so years before November 24th of 2015, I settled for whatever I got, because I didn't think I deserved anything better. During those years I lived in an altered state of mind whether it be from binge drinking several times a week, or floating on a pink cloud of opioids. I just needed my mind to be quiet, I needed to feel comfortable in my own skin. I needed my shield of substances to hide my authentic self, hell, I didn't even know who my authentic self was! My mind never stopped racing. I woke up almost every day feeling less than, unworthy, and insignificant.

My story started the day I was born, the events and traumas which I experienced up into young adulthood paved the way for the course of my life. That course has brought me here, right now. Today, I choose to be present in life and lay my head down clean and sober. I don't know what tomorrow or the next day holds and I won't ever tell anyone that I will never drink or use again. All I know is that just for today, I am clean and sober and just for today I can share my strength, experience and hope with all of you.

So, again, why is my story important enough for you to know? Because I am willing to bet that in my story of strength, experience and hope you'll find yours too.