Weird? Yes, I am.

     That word up top, WEIRD, oh it was a death sentence pre-2015. I hated it. I absolutely thought it was a 4-letter word and I wanted no part of it. But here's the thing...I AM and have ALWAYS BEEN...weird. Today, I fly my freak flag high but as a child it was the thing I guarded most. Calling attention to myself was akin to lighting myself on fire. I don't have a ton of memories of my childhood as I said before, but I have a couple clear ones tucked away. These I am about to share with you are treasured memories because they are moments in time I recall allowing my authentic self to be free, they were short blips of happiness.
      Before being bullied was my full time job in elementary and middle school, I remember my mom asking me over and over to do my impression of Dana Carvey doing HIS impression of George W. She would laugh and laugh. On another occasion I can recall my dad urging me to 'do Ace Ventura' in front of his sound editor buddies at the Warner Bros. lot and how impressed they would be at my ability. Another such instance was during my sister's wedding. Remember that drunk wedding toast I had to give? I lied, I didn't forget everything I said during the toast. In between the haze, I remember one sentence. I remember the sentence that made the whole room laugh. I remember that even though heavily blasted, I loved causing that, a room full of people laughing. It was exhilirating, that one moment. And that one moment was better than any drunk I'd had or would ever have from that day on.
     Weird was bad, weird meant different and different was NEVER a good thing for me. But I am so grateful that in the last 813 days of sobriety I have slowly accepted that word to mean something else. It means I am NOT the same as anyone else, it means I have character and something different to offer. I'm quirky and lovable, 'and doggone it people like me'.
     SO, in the spirit of Valentine's Day (which today I happen to hate, but FERSHER would be loving it if I had a boo-thang), here are some of the things I love...about me. You know, self-love and all that jazz.
...I no longer apologize for being weird, I take it as a compliment.
...I love making people laugh.
...I drive the 'fun car' - not just at my old job (because I did, everyone told me so) but even now. I drive my housemates to meetings and they always want to to go in my car, because it's fun. Because I am fun.
...Again, just to be clear, I am FUN.
...Though some may think it's a negative one, a nickname I've been bequeathed by my clients was "The Bun". Many other women wear buns every day, but for some reason my bun warranted me a nickname and for that I am thankful.
...My three sisters will always call or text me first when they can't think of that one actor's name, or what movie a quote is from. And let's be honest, I'm usually always right.
...I am good at my job. Not because I know the rules and enforce them, but because I do so in a way which garners me respect from my clients.
...I am relatable AF. I love that people can talk to me and immediately feel comfortable telling me their story, good or bad.
...I am also sensitive AF. One minute I am joking about my pulsating zit and the next I'm appalled that you are joining in with me. This doesn't sound like a positive trait, but I think it is. I'm learning my boundaries, pushing my thresholds...I'm still learning and am still thickening my skin!
...I love laughing. At myself. With others. All the laughing all the time. Just the other night I was laughing so hard I actually collapsed, I lost feeling in my legs and fell onto the floor. That is real. I'm not lying.
     Lastly, I love myself for giving myself a break. I spent 30 or so years trying to be someone else, not knowing who that someone else was or should be. I was blind, man!

     My low self worth/depression/disease progression went like this...
In elementary up to 11th grade I kept my head down and my voice soft in school, I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to blend in and be unnoticed. In 11th grade I discovered alcohol and I drank to be more, that was it, I needed to be more than what I already was. I needed to be more outgoing, prettier, more popular and cooler. The parties kept going and around 28, I was getting progressively worse hangovers. I wasn't an every day drinker and had yet refused it to quell said hangovers.  I cooled it for a couple years to fall in love (a drug in itself) but soon I was miserable again and at 30 years old, I found a new friend, pain medication. So, I took pills to be less. I felt too much. I didn't want to feel, ever...I needed to tow back those feelings. Too much feeling was bad because I desperately needed the relationship I was in to work. For that to happen the relationship required my pliancy and flexibility to bounce back with no feelings after being walked on like a doormat...(as much my doing as his, mind you)...
     In all the different forms my disease took, one thing remained the same; I wasn't good enough, for myself or for anyone. None of that is true, none of it was EVER true. While I sometimes wish I had learned it all a little earlier, I quickly take that wish back. My life wasn't easy but it also could have been a lot worse. I don't deny the adversities I have endured, I embrace them. Every single thing I have gone through, whether internal struggles or very public episodes, have built this person typing this blog entry.
     This person, sitting here on Valentine's Day with a pulsating zit on her upper lip. Yep, that's me. That's the real me. When people tell me I'm weird these days, I count it as a win. I LOVE being weird. I love being able to be me, the real me. Finally!

<3 coco

Comments

  1. Great post. You are a natural born leader and it shows in your writings and posts you write on IG. Reading your posts, I see quite a few of your traits in me. Like you, I enjoy making people laugh and helping to solve problems that folks may have. I look forward to reading your posts and seeing your IG page as well. I began to follow you early in my sobriety and you have and will continue to be an inspiration.

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    1. Thank you so much, Frank! I really appreciate you following me. It's cathartic for me to share my journey and I'm thrilled that it helps you in any way at all!!!

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