Old habits die hard...


       During one of my mindless IG feed scrolls today, I came upon a post that read, "To all the boys I loved, forgive me for giving you so much power over me. You were not worthy." #shook, furreal.




     While I wish that I learned this lesson as a much younger female, I didn't. Some women never will. I went through a lot of heartbreak and with that a lot of negative (why doesn't he love me, what's wrong with me, how can I change to make him happy) thinking, manure-loads of self blame and self doubt...because co-dependence.

     Let me tell you a little about what it used to be like for me in the dating world as a co-dependent ninny. I was so consumed with the task of finding someone to be with for the rest of my life that I kinda forgot that I, me, Coco...WAS the person that I was going to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't nurture my life. I didn't have time because I was on stakeout 24/7 for the man of my dreams. While I was on the lookout and NOT caring about my future with myself, lots of guys drifted my way and I became color blind. I didn't see all of the tell-tale red flags springing up around them. Wait, correction, I saw flags but decided to bypass and level up because I had no idea what color they were.  A frequent rationalization for my behavior was that they accepted me, twisted spine and all, and boy, I better not let them go, I don't care what color flags they shit out, you'd have to pry them from my cold, dead hands. Why in the HELL would I risk trying to figure out the color of these flags if it meant that I might have to give up this person who would ACTUALLY consent to being seen with me in public, let alone be in a monogamous relationship with me. So, I settled for anyone who came my way. I'm not saying they were horrible people. I'm saying, I really didn't care what kind of a person they were. Basically I was hiring men before doing a background check, and when I finally did do my research I discovered rap sheets printed on bright red paper. Every single one of my relationships since the history of my relationships have involved one or more of the following; dismissal of feelings, belittling, blame, resentment, narcissism, emotional abuse, emotional cheating, substance abuse (together or separately), isolation and mental illness. Sounds like a lot of fun, right? Yeah...no. I'm done with all that.

     I know how cliche this sounds, and I kind of hate that I'm even saying it but it really is true, you have to love yourself before you can expect to be truly loved by someone else. I'm not perfect, I fuck up a lot of shit, man. But these days, what I do know how to do, is care about me. I can sit with myself now, I can be alone and be perfectly content. I don't need the buffer of a warm body to appease my constant need for validation. I validate myself. This is not to say that I don't have the hope to find a twin soul one day to be my other half. I will meet that person. But for the first time in my life, I can say with conviction that I'm a-okay hanging out with myself until that happens.

So ladies, say it with me now...

DO...YOU....BOOBOO.

💓coco

Comments

  1. Very wise words CoCo. It takes some people a long time to understand this and sadly, some folks never do. It's so important to enjoy the silence that is inside of you before you bring someone else's noise to your life.

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